I was well overdue.
Autumn-chilled air whipped my hair into my face in a dizzying frenzy. I let a tear run down my cheek, a result of a less than pleasant past, conveniently masked by the sting of hair in my eye. The longer I stayed away from the ocean and the feelings that welled up inside me, the harder fighting off crying became. Kicking a few rocks off the edge of the cliff, I let myself think about why I was here.
The ocean had a very calming effect. The ebb and flow of the tides reminded me that everything comes and goes. And the rhythmic pounding of the waves on the rocks was comforting, a constant in my chaotic life. Even the flowers on the rocky cliff were awe inspiring. They fought against the salt and sea and rocky terrain to not only survive, but thrive. The horrible way my relationship had ended didn’t bode well for thriving. Some days I felt lucky my heart still beat, that I actually had survived the ordeal. He had left me so terribly broken in the beginning. I thought I was getting better – some days.
Being so enthralled by the ocean and my reckless thoughts, I jumped out of my skin to the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me. I spun around so quickly I lost my balance and a hand clutched my arm to prevent me from falling.
“Careful, I don’t want to be responsible for you falling off the cliff."
I smiled and knew it looked pitifully weak even as I was doing it. I looked at the hand still holding on to my arm, as fingers uncurled and slowly pulled away.
“Hi… My name is Tom.” He took a step back, I presume to put me more at ease.
“Joy.”
A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth, like he was holding back laughing. He walked a small arc around me and sat on the dirt, his denim-clad legs hanging off the cliff. I watched a ladybug land on his navy blue sweater, and promptly change her mind and fly away. Watching the black-and-red bug fly off, I realized why he tried not to laugh at me. If it hadn’t been so cold I would have blushed.
“I mean, my name is Joy.”
He nodded and stared off into the horizon. The sun was setting, throwing oranges and reds along the surface of the water. “Somehow, I figured you meant as much.”
I should have been offended that he was invading my personal time for self-flagellation. But he wasn’t talking; he was just sitting there, seemingly doing the same as me. Watching the breeze flicker his dark brown hair, I rocked back and forth on my heels and began to hum to myself. His hair reminded me of worn leather, dark and aged, yet still vibrant in streaks here and there. No amount of chemical highlights could ever produce something so ordinarily beautiful; his hair was pure natural shading.
Abruptly, I stopped my rocking motion and realized I felt oddly comfortable. Tom looked over his shoulder at me. “Why’d you stop humming? I like that song.”
I tilted my head and asked, “What was I humming?”
His shoulders rose and fell, slower then they probably should have. My lips curved up into a smile, much more sincere than my last. “You just liked it?”
A grin blossomed on his boyishly handsome face. It occurred to me that I was standing there awkwardly, so I plopped down on the dirt about a foot away from him. I opened my mouth to ask him why he was talking to me, but something else came out of my mouth instead.
“I’m afraid to die.”
My eyes got big and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Tears threatened to spill down my face and I was clueless as to how to stop them, especially when he gently pulled my hand away from my face.
“Truth be told, I am too. I feel like my life is running away from me and I’ve no idea how to stop it, or if I should even bother.”
Nodding, saltine lines trailing down my cheeks, I squeezed the hand he still held in mine.
“The man I spent years loving, sacrificing everything for, left me six months ago. They say time is a healer, but my heart feels heavy all the time. I want to give up, but I’m afraid to die.”
His hand trailed down my cheek, chasing away the tears.
“I’m glad I came today. Were you going to jump?”
I blinked a few times, clearing my eyes of tears and trying to wipe away the amazement. Before I could answer he nodded, my lack of response was answer enough.
“So he left you. What happens next?”
My mouth opened and closed a few times, false starts dying before leaving my tongue. Finally, I closed my eyes and told the truth.
“He is a long lost dream, one that may never have been mine. I’m nearly old, and it’s time I moved on. But where do I go from here? I have a rock in the pit of my stomach, weighing me down, crushing my insides. You tell me…” My eyes fluttered open, looked into the amber brown ones staring back at me, and continued, “What happens next?”
###
Blankets tangled around my legs, sweat beaded on my face and dripped down my back. I jumped awake, breathing heavily and heart beating frantically. Filling my head were images of blue-green sea water, swirling and rabid, rushing toward my face. I could almost taste the salt water on my lips, as if I had jumped into it. The dream felt so real, so vivid in my mind; the ocean beneath the cliff side burned into my retinas. Running my fingers through horribly tangled hair, I rose out of bed and padded across the hardwood floor.
I froze, one hand on the bathroom doorknob, the other pulling down the hem of my oversized t-shirt. The sounds of bacon sizzling and coffee percolating trickled in from the kitchen. My nose registered the smell of bell pepper and onion frying. The distinct sound of a metal spatula against a metal pan scrapped against my brain; someone was in my kitchen.
A jolt of recognition hit me and seeped into my bones.
Tom.
At least that part wasn’t a dream.
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